As i sit here,
I wonder how i got to this place,
this place of hurt and lack of self worth
this place that seems to have no beam of light
and I realise,
you brought me here,
you brought me closer to this place each time you didn't
answer a call,
a text,
and then counter moved by talking to me,
making me believe that there was a real connect,
oh well.
Why did I so willingly,
give u the key,
the key to my contentment,
my joy,
my love to learn.
When did I bind my love for me
with your acceptance?
Why?
Why am I so foolish.
To believe that my joy lies,
between the palm of your hands and of those before,
instead of in mine.
wOw.
As I sit in this darkness,
I remember
ever so faintly,
how to go home,
how to go to my rainbow.
So with the beat of my heart,
quickening with each step,
at the anticipation,trepidation.
I realise,
in the blink of my mind's eye.
I am back.
Back at the homes of the blues, greens and reds.
Home
Me
So.
as I sign off this letter,
to inform you (if u care),
that I got safely back to me.
and with a light heart,
I am happy to inform,
I LOVE ME 2 MUCH to like u.

It Isn't Funny....

Subject: FW: Statement Read on NYC Radio Station Regarding Black People -READ!!!FYI....This is so true.The sad thing about this article is that the essence of it is true. The truth hurts. I just hope this sets more Black people in motion towards making real progress. Chris Rock, a Black comedian, even joked that Blacks don't read. Help prove them wrong! Read and pass on. Please Note: For those of you who heard it, this is the article Dee Lee was reading this morning on a New York radio station. For those of you who didn't hear it, this is very deep. This is a heavy piece and a Caucasian wrote it. Dee Lee, CFP Harvard Financial Educators Dee Lee THEY ARE STILL OUR SLAVES We can continue to reap profits from the Blacks without the effort of physical slavery Look at the current methods of containment that they use on themselves: IGNORANCE , GREED, and SELFISHNESS....*(all qualities we learned from the white man. Africans live in communalsocieties) Their IGNORANCE is the primary weapon of containment....*(We can't overlook the systemic form of slavery that prisons,projects &poorly funded schools represent which are created, owned and ran bywhites)A great man once said, "The best way to hide something from Blackpeople is to put it in a book." We now live in the Information Age. They have gained theopportunity to read any book on any subject through the efforts of their fight for freedom, yet they refuse to read. There are numerous books readily available at Borders, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon.com(http://amazon.com/) , not to mention their own Black Bookstores that provide solid blueprints to reach economic equality (which should have been their fight all along), but few read consistently, if at all. *(this I must agree with. It is ourchoice to educate ourselves) GREED is another powerful weapon of containment. (another prevailingcharacteristic of white supremist people) Blacks, since the abolition of slavery, have had large amounts of moneyat their disposal.*(Money does not represent wealth! Property and production ownership is howwealth is built and passed on) Last year they spent 10 billion dollars during Christmas, out of their 450 billion dollars in total y early income(2.22%). Any of us can use them as our target market, for any business venture we care to dream up, no matter how outlandish, they will buy into it. Being primarily a consumer people, they function totally by greed.They continually want more, with little thought for saving or investing.*(this is true because blacks are not educated investors and generally don'ttrust white folks to make those decisions for us.) They would rather buy some new sneaker than invest in starting abusiness.Some even neglect their children to have the latest Tommy or FUBU, And theystill think that having a Mercedes, and a big house gives them "Status" orthat they have achieved their Dream. They are fools! The vast majority of their people are still in povertybecause their greed holds them back from collectively making bettercommunities. With the help of BET, and the rest of their black media that oftenbroadcasts destructive images into their own homes, we will continue to seehuge profi ts like those of Tommy and Nike. (Tommy Hilfiger has even jeered them, saying he doesn't want their money, and look a t how the fools spend more with him than ever before!).They'll continue to show off to each other while we build solid communities with the profits from our businesses that we market to them. SELFISHNESS, ingrained in their minds through slavery, is one of themajor ways we can continue to contain them. One of their own, Dubois saidthat there was an innate division in their culture. A "Talented Tenth" he called it. He was correct in his deduction that there are segments of their culture that has achieved some "form" of success. However, that segment missed the fullness of his work. They didn't read that the "Talented Tenth" was then responsible to aid The Non-Talented Ninety Percent in achieving a better life.Instead, that segment has created another class, a Buppie class that looks down on their people or aids them in a condescending manner. They will never achieve what we have. Their selfishness does not allow them to be able to w ork together on any project or endeavor of substance. When they do get tog ether, their selfishness lets their egos get in the way of their goal. Their so-called help organizations seem to only want to promote their name without making any real change in their community. They are content to sit in conferences and conventions in our hotels, and talk about what they will do, while they award plaques to the best speakers, not to the best doers. Is there no end to their selfishness? They steadfastly refuse to see that TOGETHER EACH ACHIEVES MORE (TEAM) They do not understand that they are no better than each other because of what they own, as a matter of fact, most of those Buppies are but one or two pay checks away from poverty. All of which is under the control of our pens in our offices and our rooms. Yes, we will continue to contain them as long as they refuse to re ad, continue to buy anything they want, and keep thinking they are "helping" their communities by paying dues to organizations which do little other than hold lavish conventions in our hotels. By the way, don't worry about any of them reading this letter, remember, 'THEY DON'T READ!!!!


I just read this article and I can totally relate. I used to worry about thestate of the Black Union and look down at those that I felt sorry for. How foolish I am/was...How dare that I think that I am better because I taught acouple of adult literacy classes, volunteered in a recovery center and taught out of school youth...In all honesty I feel that I had learned so much from these individual programs than I ever sowed. I think that is so important to turn our contempt inward because as we all know people do not do their most effective learning from listening (that is inspiration).People get most of their lessons from seeing people live the talk. I am not any better because:
1. I am terrified of investing.
2. I am sitting on a potential gold mine and the fear of failing like my dad petrifies me.
3. I do not volunteer.
4. I do not tithe. (Don't even get me started).
5. I do not read the Bible like I should.
6. I do not read the newspaper on the regular.
7. I do not eat healthy.8. I do not read beneficial books (on INVESTING, HISTORY, etc. TOO MUCH SMUTIS NO GOOD!!)
The list is endless and it is easy to feel overwhelmed, but it is importantto realize that is a conscious decision to implement small changes so theyeventually become habits.It is conscious decision to invite balance in your life and not let thethings that soothe, rule.
At least that is what I think....Peace and hugs,

The hookup

So...I was watching the Reality Show lineup last night and came upon the small gem that is the Salt 'n' Peppa Show. I realized in last night's episode that it mirrored the song and dance that my family and I go through when they try and "Hook a Sista up"
1. I do not think that they truly take into consideration the type of person that you are. In my case, they are so desperate to hook me up that the only qualification that they require is that the person's status is single.
i. They hook you up with someone who would work with what THEY WANT YOU TO BE.
ii. They hook you up with someone who does not even begin to fill the basic requirements. (Is he nice, does he have A JOB????)
2. Family can be a little overzealous. (I really think that my mother is seriously wondering if my eggs will EVER get fertilized) I had a cousin who attempted to hook me up with a dude who was a troll in every aspect (short and surly). My other cousin was so upset, she got mad for me...
3. What absolutely kills me is they have decent friends who might even be single....Why do I never get the cream of the crop???Why do I get the crusty castoffs???
Lesson: I can eff it up on my own...LEAVE ME ALONE

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I am so glad to see that an illness like Breast Cancer is being recognized as a serious disease. As people who have been touched by cancer know, awareness is key to a lasting recovery. The story of the Komen Breast Cancer fund is one of love and survival of hope. Breast Cancer Awareness is so widespread during the month of October that pink will soon be considered a fall color: which is not a bad thing. HOWEVER, I draw the line when I think that people's health is at stake. Let me back up a bit....Pink riboons....ok.....Pink headbands....ok.......Save the tatas.....crude but ok.....pink t-shirts....ok....hot pink cakes with corresponding hot pink icing....not ok!!!!!!I REPEAT!!!!!!!!!!NOT.OK. I think that we as members of a "civilized" society that has effed up many a thing, including our food supply, we should let reasoning take control over our emotions...Hello we are the same society that put Red 40 in M&Ms and then LATER found out it is carcinogenic!!!! I am just saying that we realize that a lot of the foods that we eat have additives that are not necessarily proven to be safe over long term use. Why add some questionable pink in the mix???!!! I mean I have seen pink cakes, cupcakes, etc. and people buy it because a portion of the proceeds will go to Breast Cancer support of some kind. Am I the only one who finds this absolutely ridiculous??? I mean is it not proven that we should stay away from stuff like that to AVOID CANCER????

How to handle Your local Health Inspector

Note: I was not going to post this note until I got another job....Thank you Jesus!!! You are a wonderful provider!!! Enjoy!!!


Like many underpaid, unappreciated and on the brink of being uncaring public servants, I have a couple of guidelines to make our time together as painless as possible. Here we go:

1. If I write more than you are used to, u telling me that you never got a list this long is just like switching on the "Zone Out" button in my head. Clearly, I do not care. I read the file and to be honest just because you got away with murder for the past 100 years does not mean that u will on my watch. Suck it UP!!! If I had a PENNY for every poor sod who said that to me I WOULD NOT BE WORKING!!! That is not original or necessary. You will still have to correct the items. You should be complaining to the inspectors that let you get away with it for 30 years...If you corrected it in 1977 like u shoulda, there would not be a problem.

2. Do not call my boss to complain about me and then wonder where the attitude came from. ESPECIALLY if you want me to bend the rules for your sorry a$$...You lost that opportunity as soon as you picked up the phone, you used piece of tissue....

3. When you frothing at the mouth makes me blink extra hard because I have mistaken you for a rabid dog, do not:

a) Be surprised that I am looking for the nearest exit.

b) charge me for attempted assualt for spraying your stupid a$$ with mase.

c) act all contrite when I come back with a supervisor.

4. Do not think that it is your right to cuss me out because the laws are stupid or because you are PMSing...that is a p squared...personal problem.

5. I will not risk having a major problem at my job so YOU can feel comfortable...I am the only BLACK FEMALE in my office....in a white community....I have enough problems dealing with the trouble associated with doing my job correctly....my check is anorexic, but it pays most of the bills...I will leave the job on my conditions not because your apathetic, Porsche SUV-driving behind does not want to even pretend to have some knowledge of food/pool safety concepts. I see what they do to people like me....I ain't stupid

6. Your Serv Safe Certificate means NOTHING to me especially when you mumble something about hot holding your food at 120 degrees Fahrenheit....it is 140 degrees a$$wipe.

7. Do not huff and puff when my inspection goes over 30 minutes....I would not be here for so long if your restaurant was as "immaculate" (snicker) as you think. When the inspection runs into my lunch time I am not necessarily clicking my heels in delight either. Your bad attitude+my low blood sugar = bad news for u (i.e. me coming during your busy lunch...on friday....on a payday )

8. It used to be cute when people call in to register a complaint....It stopped being cute when I found out I do not GET CREDIT FOR THIS $HIT....Do not play me...do not call me for small ish...i.e.

a) For cockroaches at your school...I know this...the school is quite aware of the problem and is addressing it...they cannot spray it with the same chemicals that you do at home...for the same reason you are supposedly calling...for the health of the snots, i mean children

b) Do not call me because you feel liberated from your job. Do not tell me how your boss was violating all types of code and I go there and can eat off the floor. That equals me being pissy.

c) We ARE NOT CSI!!!! We cannot take a swab of the food sample that is "contaminated" and say in less than 25 minutes "Ms. Clueless, I am sorry you have a very virulent strain of E. Coli!!!You have 6 minutes to live!!!!You should sue P.B. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!"

It is my perverse pleasure to tell you that we CANNOT do that...We take STOOL SAMPLES wenches!!! BEFORE we even test samples of the food. So if you are not willing to give up the poop...GETS TA STEPPIN!!! Do not let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! DUECES!!!!!!

Wwwwwwweeeeelllllll, I am done for now...There will be more because I never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers....especially since they all seem to be in my territory........

okgoodbye

smooches

Not so Innocent

I met someone 2 weeks ago....I was not even paying attention to him...Afterwards, my friend stated that he was "hitting on me"....the sad thing about me is once someone points this out to me (i never notice because I am PARANOID of "reciprocating" to someone who never stated interest!!!*shudder*).....anyhoo, things just went downhill from there...I later found out that this guy is not interested...he is "friendly"....I think my biggest problem is the fact that I am clueless.... I have no idea what the difference between someone who is hitting on me and someone who is just being friendly...I think I am going to stick to being clueless...If someone really wanted to talk to me, they'd make the effort....Eff going thru this!!! I should have known when i met him....walking through the hallway was like swimming through melted panties....

I am sorry

I haven't talked to my x in months...we went from talking at least 2 times a day to me changing my number and feeling so free of him....I had made him my center and envied the position I had so freely gave him...I have tried to explain to my friends that I need to talk to him, but no one understands y....how can i explain that the person who hurt me so bad is also the same person who kept me afloat when I felt like i was drowning in a sea of hurt, despair and low self esteem???Do I need to really explain???................I callled him today and it was......weird because i had to screen what I was saying because i did not want him to think that i was passively insulting him.... I hurt him because I did not break up the way I should have. I felt like I was becoming one of his stans....my feelings towards him became a toxic mix of possesiveness, hate, shame, lust, and envy...I stopped being his friend...i think that is what hurt the most...that my envy got the best of me...I was jealous of the fact that he got over me likethat....i think I am better now....
well this evening was discouraging because I called to guys....one did not even pick up my call and i called my x......when will the madness end????

Breakthrough

As I was driving home with my mom (we were carpooling because she was going in my direction this past week). I really enjoyed driving with her this week; it was surprisingly ok....anyhoo but as we were getting closer to the house I started to think about my last three years of being dropped into "official" adulthood. I have learned a couple things like:
1. One wack job that I ACTUALLY HAVE is better than 2 really "bomb" jobs advertised on the net, newspaper, whatever, in the bush. I have tried 2 direct marketing jobs, volunteer jobs and just plain being unemployed. I made a mistake of quitting a job that was truly stressing me out (at the time) and being unemployed for about 8 months.....So not cool.....Because God had a sense of humor, not only was the job that paid me the most ever, I also look back at it with a chuckle, a smile and a sense of accomplishment!!!
2. I realised that all my life, people had been telling me that I had potential....Potential to do what??? I had no clue. I realized that all my life I had been depending on others' opinions of me to justify my actions...I had made that realization that when it came to my personal life (friendships, realtions, relationships, etc). I just realized that it is also true for all aspects of my life. I have been letting people tell me what they think and act off of just this information. Not doing any research whatsoever, (personal, pratical, etc). The sad thing about this, is the fact that I get upset when I tell people I disagree and they get miffed....Whatever! I truly have had a breakthrough people!!!
3. I realized that this potential that I have has been just that: Stored. I have not translated this into any type of action...Well I have, but not as much as I should have. That is the reason I am at the place that I am right now. I have never believed in myself, I have believed in what other people saw in me. How can I expect myself to achieve anything if I do not have confidence in myself. One of the reasons I have been so confused about what direction my life should take is because I am so used to telling people what I was thinking of doing and when no one agreed/ thought it was feasible, I'd be thrown in a tizzy. How can I expect to get anything done? The only person I need to confer with is Jesus and if He gave me the vision, why should I be bothered with what people think???
4. I'm lazy. I like to sleep, eat, and read. Not necessarily in that order. I need to change that and accept that sacrifice is part of accomplishment....
I think that I am done...for now.
Thanx for reading. Until next time.......

I Know Why The Caged Bird Doesn't Sing

My dad has stomach cancer. At the time of diagnosis, the doctors said that is covered 75% of his stomach lining...This morning my mom gave him a bowl of githeri (beans and corn, in this case sauteed with onions and mixed veggies). I was so proud of him, eating the whole bowl because eating has become a problem again...It broke me to see him cry over eating because it was so painful...He showed me where they point the laser during his radiation therapy and the port for his chemo....He does the radiation therapy for 45 min, them goes for the chemo....After he did this, I then understood why he was so resistant to fight in the beginning...He was the one who endured the pain. He was the one who they told that the cancer had covered most of his stomach. He was the one who was misdiagnosed by his endocrinologist. He was the one who felt his weight plummet. He was the one who felt his skin change. He is doing well now, there are signs of healing and loss of cancer cells, but the little struggles that make up the big struggle can make life seem very hard...So now I know that equal respect should be given to the Caged Bird Who DOESN'T Sing....

Yet another Saturday

So this Saturday had the potential of being a productive day and I messed it up...I finally got my room looking like someone with a coherent thought inhabits it and I got my hair done...that is another bog post. Yesterday was a REALLY BAD day for me...I cried like 3 times in the span of 8 hours and thought that my parents where out to screw me good. I was in such terrible disarray over my finances; it felt like I was going to be a slave to a mundane job forever. I had such a bad headache yesterday from all the crying and I looked even worse than usual for me, which is a true decrease in altitude. Anyway, my dad offered to look at my finances and he came up with a manageable budget for me...I just need to stick to it...I can't believe how ballistic I was going over the whole money thing...lemme take that back...I can imagine...I can't imagine why I couldn't figure it out my self...I guess I was all in a tizzy and was blinded by my situation...Thank God for Baba!!! Anyway I went to the salon today because my mom was tired of waking up and seeing that the mess that was perpetrating as “a natural style” on my head. What it really was was a hairstyle that encompassed the yeah-I-didn’t-comb-my-hair-yes-I-know-it-looks-nothing-like-maxwell-I’m-sexy-wit-it! Merged with bump-combing-this-mess. I will leave your imagination to figure out how much of a hot mess it really was. (I promise you that it looks nothing like you imagined i.e. 10x worse, especially with the random fly in orbit).
Anyhoo, so I walked into the salon and was mean mugged by a pair of evil-permed-hair-fashionistas!! UGH!! All I could think of is “I know you not looking at me like that, I actually COMBED my hair this morning!!!” I had the pleasure of one of them washing my hair…I won’t lie, my hair was FLITHY!!! I am sure this was evident because chickadee surely scrubbed A LOT harder come the second time around. Sadly, I got perverse pleasure from her having to stick her hands in the mess that was my hair!!! Hehehe I happened to look at her while she was washing my hair and I noticed SHE HAD A MUSTACHE!!! All’s I gots to say is that you don’t throw stones from a glass house….I felt better after seeing the mustache, and brown boots with black outfit…She seemed a little less higher on her podium of perfection….
I digress, so I forgot that to go 2 a black hair salon on a Saturday means death to any semblance of productivity, plans, etc. I entered that salon at 10:50am and did not leave until 3:15pm…Lord have Mercy!!!
But I did look cute!!! So I guess the migraine and the loss of 5 hours of my life was worth it!!!

Thank you for donating to the Fat Piece of Lard Association. Your Donation is Greatly depreiciated....

So because I am a fatty....I eat....plain and simple...but like all other fatties know...we always want to back to the "skinny" days..you know the ones..."if I ONLY lost 40 more pounds i'd look like a thicker Beyonce"...whatever...the sad thing is that I was like thisclose to being the "thicker Beyonce" *sigh* I have lost a substantial amount of weight and I feel it creeping back on not so slow and VERY steady. Between my job, my non-existent social life, looking for another job and trying to keep the parental unit happy (it doesn't always work out, but I try), I find myself being a very emotional eater...Sadly enough, it has gotten worse now that I live back at home with my parents because when I lived by myself, there were things that I just didn't buy. Things like white bread (very rarely did I buy bread), sugar, yogurt (you would not believe the carbs in a good cup of yogurt), white rice, etc...I have no self control...I wish I did, but alas.... I am depressed just thinking about it...............I am going to snack on the unclaimed rueben in the fridge...the coleslaw is fair game too....

It's Sad But True...Installment #1

So...I have been wanting to start this blog for a while and because my memory is totally shot...I had to send myself a text of all the topics that I wanted to talk about....So obviously, I will talk about something that is not on the text...so I don't forget...Anyhoo...I sat at another stupid meeting...called by those who supposedly have the brains to guide us...the lowly peeons....For about a good FIVE to TEN minutes about, that's right, BATHROOM ETTIQUETTE!!!!!!! Yes bathroom ettiquette!!!! Some poor soul made the MISTAKE of stating that she had become the representative for the department on the Buliding Committee and the Ranter of our office started doing what she does*. She starts to rant on about how the bathroom is not clean and how she knows how those mentally handicapped people clean the bathroom and they mean no harm, but it is not clean enough....blah,blah, blah.....Ironically during this stimulating 45 minutes of my life I will never get back, no one seemed to realise that the t.v. (the new, like 30 in flat screen) was gone.....PRICELESS!!!
*The ranter: the member of the office who really, in her heart of hearts, believes that she is the unsung hero of the office, champion of underdog, etc. Unfortunately, sometimes the ranter has no one to champion/save...so they end up talking about useless ish and getting really defensive if people to not agree with them...please assure me that not every office has one of these....

Thank You Very Much........

After starting a blog, losing a blog and rediscovering the beauty of the blog....I am back...I have decided that venting on a blog would be a little less costly than say...venting to a co-worker of questionable trustworthiness...I do apologize....I do not guarantee that my blog will be informative...I will try to be entertaining...but that is not even guaranteed.....Welcome...