How to handle Your local Health Inspector

Note: I was not going to post this note until I got another job....Thank you Jesus!!! You are a wonderful provider!!! Enjoy!!!


Like many underpaid, unappreciated and on the brink of being uncaring public servants, I have a couple of guidelines to make our time together as painless as possible. Here we go:

1. If I write more than you are used to, u telling me that you never got a list this long is just like switching on the "Zone Out" button in my head. Clearly, I do not care. I read the file and to be honest just because you got away with murder for the past 100 years does not mean that u will on my watch. Suck it UP!!! If I had a PENNY for every poor sod who said that to me I WOULD NOT BE WORKING!!! That is not original or necessary. You will still have to correct the items. You should be complaining to the inspectors that let you get away with it for 30 years...If you corrected it in 1977 like u shoulda, there would not be a problem.

2. Do not call my boss to complain about me and then wonder where the attitude came from. ESPECIALLY if you want me to bend the rules for your sorry a$$...You lost that opportunity as soon as you picked up the phone, you used piece of tissue....

3. When you frothing at the mouth makes me blink extra hard because I have mistaken you for a rabid dog, do not:

a) Be surprised that I am looking for the nearest exit.

b) charge me for attempted assualt for spraying your stupid a$$ with mase.

c) act all contrite when I come back with a supervisor.

4. Do not think that it is your right to cuss me out because the laws are stupid or because you are PMSing...that is a p squared...personal problem.

5. I will not risk having a major problem at my job so YOU can feel comfortable...I am the only BLACK FEMALE in my office....in a white community....I have enough problems dealing with the trouble associated with doing my job correctly....my check is anorexic, but it pays most of the bills...I will leave the job on my conditions not because your apathetic, Porsche SUV-driving behind does not want to even pretend to have some knowledge of food/pool safety concepts. I see what they do to people like me....I ain't stupid

6. Your Serv Safe Certificate means NOTHING to me especially when you mumble something about hot holding your food at 120 degrees Fahrenheit....it is 140 degrees a$$wipe.

7. Do not huff and puff when my inspection goes over 30 minutes....I would not be here for so long if your restaurant was as "immaculate" (snicker) as you think. When the inspection runs into my lunch time I am not necessarily clicking my heels in delight either. Your bad attitude+my low blood sugar = bad news for u (i.e. me coming during your busy lunch...on friday....on a payday )

8. It used to be cute when people call in to register a complaint....It stopped being cute when I found out I do not GET CREDIT FOR THIS $HIT....Do not play me...do not call me for small ish...i.e.

a) For cockroaches at your school...I know this...the school is quite aware of the problem and is addressing it...they cannot spray it with the same chemicals that you do at home...for the same reason you are supposedly calling...for the health of the snots, i mean children

b) Do not call me because you feel liberated from your job. Do not tell me how your boss was violating all types of code and I go there and can eat off the floor. That equals me being pissy.

c) We ARE NOT CSI!!!! We cannot take a swab of the food sample that is "contaminated" and say in less than 25 minutes "Ms. Clueless, I am sorry you have a very virulent strain of E. Coli!!!You have 6 minutes to live!!!!You should sue P.B. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!"

It is my perverse pleasure to tell you that we CANNOT do that...We take STOOL SAMPLES wenches!!! BEFORE we even test samples of the food. So if you are not willing to give up the poop...GETS TA STEPPIN!!! Do not let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! DUECES!!!!!!

Wwwwwwweeeeelllllll, I am done for now...There will be more because I never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers....especially since they all seem to be in my territory........

okgoodbye

smooches