I gave something away...and now I want it back.

I was a virgin until last Sunday. I unknowingly gave it away to someone who was not only non-deserving, but a total prick. I am left with not only the physical pain and worry associated with having sex, I am also dealing with the emotional ramifications of giving away something that I did not want to. I am so heartsick, that I don't want any man to even look at me. I have been single for about 5 years. I miss being held, wanted and kissed. Everytime I said no, this guy would keep trying. I feel like someone who got used and thrown away. Like paper towel. I feel so stupid. I should know better. I should have known better.

Apparently, I am........

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Spiritual Reinventing Tree Hugger

I'm Tired

....like really physically tired. I am tired of close friends that have used their position to unintentionally hurt you. I'm tired of doing what everyone else feels is right. I am tired of being the one who makes the "right" decisions. I am tired of feeling like what I do is not good enough. I'm tired of reading all these articles on relationsips. I am tired of getting nothing for Valentine's Day. I am tired of attracting guys who are losers or just down right questionable. Does that mean that I am a loser too? How come it seems like everyone else can find someone that they connect with and I can't? Ok, I am whining now. I am going to stop.

What the #$%^ happened?

There was a time when my life seemed so full of promise…Now before I go any further, I want it to be understood that I am thankful…back to the post…As I was saying, I was so full of promise, I was told I was so smart, so bright, my smile was so white, etc. As FB makes the world closer and closer, the people in your past that you tried to run from seem to be getting nearer due to the fact that all of us on FB are in this race to add more friends. It seems like time, that you were counting on to be the great divider, has become the great uniter. It seems like people are always trying to contact one another on FB. I remember when I first joined FB, I was a constant 20 friends, most of which who are family…It seems like I stayed at this number and I was ridiculously afraid that I would be a "loser" with only 20 friends, most of which I had the same last name as. Then when I started to lose interest and now I am at 60 friends…really and truly, I cannot remember how I found a majority of them….or how they found me…
As I start to reconnect with more and more people, I am starting to realize that those with the unwavering "loser" amounts are the true winners. They are winners because I feel that a majority of the people that added me do not remember why we fell out of touch…I remember for some of them, some I realize were for petty reasons…However why these "losers" are truly winners are because no one is contacting them on hazy memories of good times…They have cut those out of their lives with a finite word or action. Me on the other hand I have haze connecting me to some of my 'friends' on fb.
The main thing that I noticed on fb is how comfortable I have become…I realize that a majority of my friends are advancing their careers by advancing their education. Aa lot of them are going to prestigious universities or have. I feel like I am being overwhemlmed by names of Ivy leagues and posts of revolution….I look at my profile and I realize that my profile is looking more like a college students and less like a young professional…There are at least 5 photo albums of good times and no posts on the state of Black America, politics, Sean Bell. What happened to the person I was in college? Did being broke really break me down? Did my increase of real world responsibility build a callus on the flesh that used to care about issues that affected more beyond my bubble?
I want to leave the bubble that I live in but the soap and water that form the orb I inhabit feel like steel. My soap and water is made of a check, mortgage, fear and responsibility to a widowed mother whose loneliness and needs are palapable.
This key that this job seemed to be from the ball & chain that was my previous job seems to have turned into a house of cake. Sweet to taste and smell but sickening in large doses. The house of cake seems to offer more and more. It forms its own ball and chain, made of dollar bills. WHAT HAPPENED?

Tomfoolery #1

I do not understand what the hell is wrong with men…Now I have never considered myself that much of a looker, however, apparently beer makes me immensely attractive. So attractive, that men don’t even put thought into what they say to get in my good graces. I had the priviledge of being in the presence of a doctor...oh sorry...a physician.... He told me that the preferred me drunk when he had the priviledge of talking to me when I was sober…He told me that I was less combative when I was drunk…Friggin loser….What did he want me to do? Fall at his feet spread eagle….His stupidity will make it even harder to get laid, which in theory should be easier since he is a physician….Friggin used piece of tissue.........

As i sit here,
I wonder how i got to this place,
this place of hurt and lack of self worth
this place that seems to have no beam of light
and I realise,
you brought me here,
you brought me closer to this place each time you didn't
answer a call,
a text,
and then counter moved by talking to me,
making me believe that there was a real connect,
oh well.
Why did I so willingly,
give u the key,
the key to my contentment,
my joy,
my love to learn.
When did I bind my love for me
with your acceptance?
Why?
Why am I so foolish.
To believe that my joy lies,
between the palm of your hands and of those before,
instead of in mine.
wOw.
As I sit in this darkness,
I remember
ever so faintly,
how to go home,
how to go to my rainbow.
So with the beat of my heart,
quickening with each step,
at the anticipation,trepidation.
I realise,
in the blink of my mind's eye.
I am back.
Back at the homes of the blues, greens and reds.
Home
Me
So.
as I sign off this letter,
to inform you (if u care),
that I got safely back to me.
and with a light heart,
I am happy to inform,
I LOVE ME 2 MUCH to like u.

It Isn't Funny....

Subject: FW: Statement Read on NYC Radio Station Regarding Black People -READ!!!FYI....This is so true.The sad thing about this article is that the essence of it is true. The truth hurts. I just hope this sets more Black people in motion towards making real progress. Chris Rock, a Black comedian, even joked that Blacks don't read. Help prove them wrong! Read and pass on. Please Note: For those of you who heard it, this is the article Dee Lee was reading this morning on a New York radio station. For those of you who didn't hear it, this is very deep. This is a heavy piece and a Caucasian wrote it. Dee Lee, CFP Harvard Financial Educators Dee Lee THEY ARE STILL OUR SLAVES We can continue to reap profits from the Blacks without the effort of physical slavery Look at the current methods of containment that they use on themselves: IGNORANCE , GREED, and SELFISHNESS....*(all qualities we learned from the white man. Africans live in communalsocieties) Their IGNORANCE is the primary weapon of containment....*(We can't overlook the systemic form of slavery that prisons,projects &poorly funded schools represent which are created, owned and ran bywhites)A great man once said, "The best way to hide something from Blackpeople is to put it in a book." We now live in the Information Age. They have gained theopportunity to read any book on any subject through the efforts of their fight for freedom, yet they refuse to read. There are numerous books readily available at Borders, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon.com(http://amazon.com/) , not to mention their own Black Bookstores that provide solid blueprints to reach economic equality (which should have been their fight all along), but few read consistently, if at all. *(this I must agree with. It is ourchoice to educate ourselves) GREED is another powerful weapon of containment. (another prevailingcharacteristic of white supremist people) Blacks, since the abolition of slavery, have had large amounts of moneyat their disposal.*(Money does not represent wealth! Property and production ownership is howwealth is built and passed on) Last year they spent 10 billion dollars during Christmas, out of their 450 billion dollars in total y early income(2.22%). Any of us can use them as our target market, for any business venture we care to dream up, no matter how outlandish, they will buy into it. Being primarily a consumer people, they function totally by greed.They continually want more, with little thought for saving or investing.*(this is true because blacks are not educated investors and generally don'ttrust white folks to make those decisions for us.) They would rather buy some new sneaker than invest in starting abusiness.Some even neglect their children to have the latest Tommy or FUBU, And theystill think that having a Mercedes, and a big house gives them "Status" orthat they have achieved their Dream. They are fools! The vast majority of their people are still in povertybecause their greed holds them back from collectively making bettercommunities. With the help of BET, and the rest of their black media that oftenbroadcasts destructive images into their own homes, we will continue to seehuge profi ts like those of Tommy and Nike. (Tommy Hilfiger has even jeered them, saying he doesn't want their money, and look a t how the fools spend more with him than ever before!).They'll continue to show off to each other while we build solid communities with the profits from our businesses that we market to them. SELFISHNESS, ingrained in their minds through slavery, is one of themajor ways we can continue to contain them. One of their own, Dubois saidthat there was an innate division in their culture. A "Talented Tenth" he called it. He was correct in his deduction that there are segments of their culture that has achieved some "form" of success. However, that segment missed the fullness of his work. They didn't read that the "Talented Tenth" was then responsible to aid The Non-Talented Ninety Percent in achieving a better life.Instead, that segment has created another class, a Buppie class that looks down on their people or aids them in a condescending manner. They will never achieve what we have. Their selfishness does not allow them to be able to w ork together on any project or endeavor of substance. When they do get tog ether, their selfishness lets their egos get in the way of their goal. Their so-called help organizations seem to only want to promote their name without making any real change in their community. They are content to sit in conferences and conventions in our hotels, and talk about what they will do, while they award plaques to the best speakers, not to the best doers. Is there no end to their selfishness? They steadfastly refuse to see that TOGETHER EACH ACHIEVES MORE (TEAM) They do not understand that they are no better than each other because of what they own, as a matter of fact, most of those Buppies are but one or two pay checks away from poverty. All of which is under the control of our pens in our offices and our rooms. Yes, we will continue to contain them as long as they refuse to re ad, continue to buy anything they want, and keep thinking they are "helping" their communities by paying dues to organizations which do little other than hold lavish conventions in our hotels. By the way, don't worry about any of them reading this letter, remember, 'THEY DON'T READ!!!!


I just read this article and I can totally relate. I used to worry about thestate of the Black Union and look down at those that I felt sorry for. How foolish I am/was...How dare that I think that I am better because I taught acouple of adult literacy classes, volunteered in a recovery center and taught out of school youth...In all honesty I feel that I had learned so much from these individual programs than I ever sowed. I think that is so important to turn our contempt inward because as we all know people do not do their most effective learning from listening (that is inspiration).People get most of their lessons from seeing people live the talk. I am not any better because:
1. I am terrified of investing.
2. I am sitting on a potential gold mine and the fear of failing like my dad petrifies me.
3. I do not volunteer.
4. I do not tithe. (Don't even get me started).
5. I do not read the Bible like I should.
6. I do not read the newspaper on the regular.
7. I do not eat healthy.8. I do not read beneficial books (on INVESTING, HISTORY, etc. TOO MUCH SMUTIS NO GOOD!!)
The list is endless and it is easy to feel overwhelmed, but it is importantto realize that is a conscious decision to implement small changes so theyeventually become habits.It is conscious decision to invite balance in your life and not let thethings that soothe, rule.
At least that is what I think....Peace and hugs,